To live to die.

Today a close friend confided in me that she has pancreatic cancer that has already metastatized to her liver.  
I've taken pause the remainder of the day just mulling over my ability to breathe, think, feel the cold wind,
sweat when the heat is too high and express the love that I have for met two doggies.  I called Carlos and
Brian and told them both over and over again how much I love them.

Then this evening, I checked in with another friend who has breast cancer.  I spoke to her husband who is one
of my oldest and dearest friends who told me that she had a double mastectomy and ooctemy today (both
ovaries).  I didn't realize that this would occur today.  I had just seen them when Carlos and I were in NYC
recently.

In the course of my life, I have lost many people beginning at a young age.  In the first grade, Cosmo and
Elaine died.  Every year another kid or two would die from their conditions.  I grew up and still have a disability
that many people call "brittle bone disease."  I'm often in pain but not so much to keep me from what I want to
do.

I remember the day Alex died, the wind felt different, the moon was round and full, the sounds of the night
were amplified and the boulder on my heart was huge.  Add to that the anxiety of having Carlos burnt and in
the intensive care unit, having to interpret everything for his Mother, handling the press in both English and
Spanish and concern over Brian who witnessed his Dad's action on cable, and you might guess that my
stress level was high.  

Yet, I hyper-felt everything going on around me.  I could feel Alex's hugs and hear his voice.  I will never forget
those sensations.

Today, with the double whammy of both my girlfriends' health concerns have once again made me sensitive
to my own mortability and aware of the life force I have in me.

I can't perceive being stilled.  It frightens me to dwell on this.  I believe in the life force, God, Jesus' message
and peace.  I do not believe the only way to achieve it is by dying first.

I imagine heaven being the same earth but in a future time where the human family has learned how to live
peacefully.  However, there are those who are evolved enough to actually achieve th peace without dying as
well.

I imagine seeing, holding, smelling and touching Alex again with his beautiful smile, bright green eyes and
baseball cap.

My heart is not my own but belongs to my three Arredondo men.  The beats are for all of my friends and family.  
My breath out is food for plants and breath in is a life arriming elixir.

Life is so short.  Why does greed, power, control and ruthlessness rule over love, joy, hope and grace?  The
president is possessed by the devil in the trueest sense - he is sloth, greed, envy, anger, avarice, sadness,
gluttony and lust all in one.  He is the emobiment of the seven deadly sins....

Melida Arredondo
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To live to die.